I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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