I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
