In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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