Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
