11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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