Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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