Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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