Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
