I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
