Ambien. No doubt about it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
