wakey wakey hands off snakey
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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