I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
