i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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