I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
