I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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