my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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