Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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