Life is so much better after having sex.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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