the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
