Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
