This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
ugly people sure do ruin things
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
