OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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