got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
