Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
