you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
