a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
