Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
