Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
