the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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