her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
