eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
