My Higher Power is John Stamos
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
