a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
