dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
