I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
