Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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