Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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