when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
