I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
