I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
