I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
