Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
