need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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