haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
