Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
