So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
