Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
