so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
