3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
