my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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