ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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