God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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