Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
