i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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